Insomnia
It was late. Any sane head would want to hit the bed and drift off into the sweet world of dreams. But, I didn't want to. Wrapped in my blanket, my eyes strained, my head refused to rest. It can't help but contemplate... Contemplate of all the choices I've made. Am I really happy about now? I can't say so with a straight face. Each day do I walk the paths of my life conscious of what I am, what I've been. Am I really proud of myself? I don't know that.
Sometimes do I wish I could go back in time to tweak a little bit, make tiny changes. The end of Intermediate first year... I realized something about me, tried to subdue myself in a frantic attempt for acceptance. Did I win it, yes... Did I stay for long? No. Was leaving easy? Well, it was one of the most painful of times. I know I lost a part of my sanity. I know that I can't retrieve it back. Took me almost three years to get in terms with myself. But, even as I type this out, I do feel my fingers shaking. I don't really know if it's because of the trigger, or cause of staying awake for like 18 hours straight. But this I know. I haven't been the same anymore. After that episode, I just wanted to get away from there. I just didn't want to stay in the same place and still expect to stay sane.
Did I take a wrong step in haste? What if I waited out another year before deciding where I wanted to leave? Would I still have discovered my passion for writing? I don't know. Well, was writing through that episode. There was a possibility that I could still be writing and be in a better place than this. But, will I have known the people that I know now? Well, that's questionable.
What if I had gone with the flow? What if the episode didn't end that bad? Will I be even me? Darn it! Damn these rhetoric questions. I know that I ain't going no where with this line of thought. But, this seems to be just one of my platforms to vent off. Throughout that episode did I learn that, for me to stay sane, writing is the only therapy. I knew that the moment I stop it, the demons would come for my soul.
Second year of engineering... I found myself drifting away. I wasn't writing. I knew them ghosts were eating my sanity off. I knew that I had to write. I broke. I knew I was drifting away, going deeper into my shell of insecurity. If not for my friends who were patient with me, and helped me through it, I didn't know where I would be right now.. The sunrise still so clear in my head, the morning breeze hitting my face as my friends helped me cheer up. I knew I was proud of myself that moment. I made it through some dark times, and well, I was proud of myself for keeping my head up through all those times and learning how to truly live. I don't know.. If not for my buddies, I would totally be clueless of myself.
I try each day telling that brooding over the past isn't going to take me anywhere. But, at the end of the day, I fail to think so. However gregarious I might be throughout the day, the ghosts still loom by, feeding off my sanity when darkness hits. But, I've learnt to cope with it.
I know I can't totally get rid of my demons. But through years, I learnt that I can put on a smiling facade, and face each day. It becomes easier. At night, I'm by my own. I try to find solace in the night sky, the quietness and peace the night provides. It's soothing, actually. I don't need to hide from myself. I smile. I remember all the fun my friends give me. I remember my dreams and ambitions. From the evening of that episode and till now, I've collected so many happy memories. Well, they're some of the things that keep me going.
I can never be alright. But, I've learnt to suck it all up, and live.
Childhood has been deceiving, teenage, educational. Now, as an adult, I need to work on making myself a better actor, smiling all the way through life's surprises and lashes.
With those thoughts, I spent the night looking into the vast vacuum of space, smiling a twisted smile. I couldn't sleep. My head was busy, it was light. And soon did I see twilight, and another sunrise. Well, it never ceases me to cheer me up. I might not have good night sleeps, but I'm happy. That's what counts for me. :)
Praveen
Sometimes do I wish I could go back in time to tweak a little bit, make tiny changes. The end of Intermediate first year... I realized something about me, tried to subdue myself in a frantic attempt for acceptance. Did I win it, yes... Did I stay for long? No. Was leaving easy? Well, it was one of the most painful of times. I know I lost a part of my sanity. I know that I can't retrieve it back. Took me almost three years to get in terms with myself. But, even as I type this out, I do feel my fingers shaking. I don't really know if it's because of the trigger, or cause of staying awake for like 18 hours straight. But this I know. I haven't been the same anymore. After that episode, I just wanted to get away from there. I just didn't want to stay in the same place and still expect to stay sane.
Did I take a wrong step in haste? What if I waited out another year before deciding where I wanted to leave? Would I still have discovered my passion for writing? I don't know. Well, was writing through that episode. There was a possibility that I could still be writing and be in a better place than this. But, will I have known the people that I know now? Well, that's questionable.
What if I had gone with the flow? What if the episode didn't end that bad? Will I be even me? Darn it! Damn these rhetoric questions. I know that I ain't going no where with this line of thought. But, this seems to be just one of my platforms to vent off. Throughout that episode did I learn that, for me to stay sane, writing is the only therapy. I knew that the moment I stop it, the demons would come for my soul.
Second year of engineering... I found myself drifting away. I wasn't writing. I knew them ghosts were eating my sanity off. I knew that I had to write. I broke. I knew I was drifting away, going deeper into my shell of insecurity. If not for my friends who were patient with me, and helped me through it, I didn't know where I would be right now.. The sunrise still so clear in my head, the morning breeze hitting my face as my friends helped me cheer up. I knew I was proud of myself that moment. I made it through some dark times, and well, I was proud of myself for keeping my head up through all those times and learning how to truly live. I don't know.. If not for my buddies, I would totally be clueless of myself.
I try each day telling that brooding over the past isn't going to take me anywhere. But, at the end of the day, I fail to think so. However gregarious I might be throughout the day, the ghosts still loom by, feeding off my sanity when darkness hits. But, I've learnt to cope with it.
 |
| I could say that solitude is a bliss. |
I know I can't totally get rid of my demons. But through years, I learnt that I can put on a smiling facade, and face each day. It becomes easier. At night, I'm by my own. I try to find solace in the night sky, the quietness and peace the night provides. It's soothing, actually. I don't need to hide from myself. I smile. I remember all the fun my friends give me. I remember my dreams and ambitions. From the evening of that episode and till now, I've collected so many happy memories. Well, they're some of the things that keep me going.
I can never be alright. But, I've learnt to suck it all up, and live.
Childhood has been deceiving, teenage, educational. Now, as an adult, I need to work on making myself a better actor, smiling all the way through life's surprises and lashes.
With those thoughts, I spent the night looking into the vast vacuum of space, smiling a twisted smile. I couldn't sleep. My head was busy, it was light. And soon did I see twilight, and another sunrise. Well, it never ceases me to cheer me up. I might not have good night sleeps, but I'm happy. That's what counts for me. :)
Praveen
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