"Am Really Fine"- A Story of a Sweet Lie

Ever had a day that just makes you feel like yourself, stripped off all the filters and masks that paint a facade that says, "Am really fine!". I don't really see if typing this out will even be any bit amusing to you guys. Out of the fun times, there are 'reality check' times. I guess this is one such days for me.

Waking up to the overcast skies, and a surprisingly pleasant morning, I heard a knock on my door. The newspaper agents trying out their luck to reel in readers. He hadn't the one I needed. He said what he had to say with me not listening a bit but with me nodding like a goose, he left. I started out, brushed and freshened up trying to shake off the drowsiness of the night. The previous night has been okay. Back from a movie, my insomniac self sat up doing nothing, well, I did sleep earlier, though.

Was at the mess when my phone rang? My ATM card has arrived, and is waiting at the Post Office, so I'm needed to grab it before college starts. I made my way up to my room after a couple of oily puris and started out with my striped socks concealed by a pair of black high top Chucks my friends gifted me a couple of birthdays back. The weather was normal, the typical perspiration persisted. thank goodness I wore a tee beneath my shirt, or else I would've been wet throughout. Got my card and I was to visit my branch for the PIN.

Was in the class. Prof didn't come. He's often absent. Good thing he wasn't there. Being in AU, I learnt that in each semester, you'll find only one class worth listening to. This was definitely not such a class. It was the darned math class. There was a time when math actually included numbers. Simpler times they were. Now it's a constant mindf*ck, a sea of alphabets trying to solve the mystery of universe. Why should math, of all things, be the language of science? Ugh!

Last Bench. The Prof was repeating something for the third time, now. I was bored af. My fingers were busy texting a couple of friends in Delhi and Dubai respectively. One of them misses classes, while the other is enjoying his holidays. Well, even he finds his college fun. But me? Am fantasizing about the beach. The weather was good, but here I am, stuck in this boring class of Reaction Engineering, learning about Step Input and Response. Yep! Real exciting, ain't it? I know. Well, I could bunk the class, but why don't I ever do that? Am I just too lazy? Well, the cooler, and the only class am interested was next, so, waiting is good.

What's ever wrong with math? What the heck are all these equations? Am I supposed to integrate all this shiz, and not forget to substitute the darned limits? Sounds easy here, but it was a real headache. I guess I did make sure to eliminate the errors and all. Wait, why's binomial theorem used? Why the heck would I want to shrink alpha to zero. Weren't we seeing it as some constant? seriously? Is this how one of the only subjects that I pay attention to screw with me? Darn it! So, checking my answer, am waaaaaay far from the final equation. Screw this! I thought working with this would be fun!

How much longer should I wait? I was at the Cash-in charge Officer's room waiting for him to show up so that I can see if my PIN has arrived. Had to learn it from the peon that it hasn't. Well, what now? Am already tired with all the equation solving. Even my friends aren't around. Withdrew a bit, and well, made my way back home. Why does my phone buzz too much? Well, I even got a lab in the afternoon.. Time to relax my toes a bit.

Thirty minutes? Yeah, we did the three titrations (Yep! We do a lot of them), and now we were supposed to add charcoal and shake for darned 30 minutes. Yeah, like we're shakers, for goodness sake. Our labs are so down-to-earth (duh!), that we do our 30 minute long shakings ourselves. Machines are for the weak, or so it goes. After an arm numbing 30 minutes, we filtered them out and made another three titrations. Well this was fun! And, apparently, our Prof would want us get signed by her senior. Well, she did study her engineering under him, but now she's his peer. She could have done it! (Why am I ever typing this out? I know I'm going to regret this.)

Yay! Bike ride! Post-lab, unable to go back to my room, I thought it was a good idea to accompany my friend to retrieve his bike form the servicing guys. I don't regret this. Got this really awesome pic of sun trying to peep out of the clouds. The weather was pretty. I was all the more tired. I wanted to run away. Room is just depressing. I could try and get stuff done. Dirty laundry is piling up in my room. They could use some attention. But, no. I just don't feel like it. I feel like running free. But, am bored. The city has become boring a long time back. In fact, I was bored of this place by the end of my second year here. It is surprising that I made it another year.  I just hope these 9 months end sooner.

I don't ever want to go back into my room. It sometimes feels ever so foreign. If not for my roomie, I would have gone insane by now. My room is my sanctuary. At the end of a long day, I would want to put on my headphones and get lost in music. But if guests are around, I can't do that. I don't know if there were any guests around this evening, I didn't want to go into my room. I don't know when I did, I don't know what I did later, I knew I was depressed. I had one of the most tiring days, both physically and emotionally, though emotional tiredome dominates. I put on some Lorde, not minding the lyrics, not minding what's happening, I found myself scrolling my Facebook newsfeed mindlessly. I feel alone.

Dinner wasn't exactly great. Well, it never was, and never will be. Ya know, AU hostels. Shitty food is typical of them.

What? More photos? A friend of mine wanted to something for someone that involved us editing some stuff. To be honest, it is a half-baked idea that has the power to irritate the eff out of the editors and the receiver. It surely is a bad idea. Well, it's the final year. You can't expect to make such ideas true when shit between people happens over years. Not everyone would enjoy. Even I feel icky about it. I hate it. All I wanted was to type these out and feel normal.

Wind. Sitting here on the terrace, facing the darkness, it can get real therapeutic. Been doing this for quite a while now when my insomniac self refuses to sleep. Time for reality check. I left my roomie downstairs to work on them pics. I just wanted to write. My friends aren't here yet. I was bored of the place. Tears start to roll down my eyes. Things haven't been that easy lately. I couldn't get enough time for myself. If only I had taken an year off before joining college. Well, life IS full of regrets, a zillion raffle pieces, making a new story each time it spins. Some are good, some are bad. Some lead to playing with words, some to struggling with complex equations. Some lead to fun friends, some lead to them stuck back in their hometowns. Some lead to cool Profs and excellent research topics, some lead to down-to-earth maintained labs and shitty Professors. Seems I've been on the depressing part of the spectrum.

9 months.

It's the time when I'll be able to flip the tables and start off a new adventure. Till then, I'll have to hang in here and deal with days as this.

Am I fine? I'm not. But, don't worry about me. I've learnt how to cope with days as this. I'll be fine. :)

Guess who can't sleep tonight too.

Praveen