Musings Of A Disoriented Critter

For years did I run, In search for home: In places new, And in places old- Search I did, But in vain without realising, That all these years, "I" was home, "I" am home.

Well, it's time again! End of a decade, and looking back, 2010 me wouldn't have had the faintest idea of how he'd grow so much, break so much, rebuild himself so much! I was very naive back then, and honestly, 2010 me didn't even plan much beyond that year. I knew I was gonna finish school, just didn't know what I'd be doing in 2011. And here I am about to end 2019 with a friggin Masters degree (still pretty much jobless lol), retrospecting the decade that's past. It was this decade that I broke, the winter of 2011 being my breaking point. I plunged so deep that I hit my rock bottom not knowing what would happen of me. Yet, I chose to fight. Subconsciously, I never stopped fighting. It was luck or maybe providence that brought me out of my hometown. Even when I failed miserably, I still could still start things over. It was painful undoing the previous decade. It was painful unlearning everything my elders taught me. And thus I grew. I picked up reading,...

Pranks, news, sensationalism, and entertainment. That has what my identity has become. It's not my feelings and emotions that matter, but the weekly Jabardast show that has defined my sexuality to my parents: Before I could come out to them, before I was myself. "Hey, chikna! Aao na!"- was what they remember when they think of gay and it ain't me wanting my papa on my bed- but it what he would remember when I come out to him. Do I blame the trans community who did it? No. We are on the same boat.   They did it to earn their living.  I do it to feel a sense of belonging though, so I don't feel lonely atleast for a night. Sure, I have a boyfriend, but when I think of the times I haven't had one, all my "sexcapades" were all cause of me seeking something or someone around whom I felt normal.  Sure, I was a hoe but back home in India, I had to go through my options on Grindr or facebook before I found someone who made me feel it is okay to be gay. Sure, ...

It never helps The sinking feeling It never ends I trot, I smile The more I die Each breath Painful and crude I live a lie I live a fool I am beyond help I am beyond life I dream.

I dream of the sea Its waves crashing Against the rocks of my heart.. A sweet whisper Long forgotten A call to my heart Drawing me close Woe is me For I am far The song grows loud Yet my heart runs far My strides uncertain My smile so foreign Yet I hold on... The dream sustains I dream of the sea My heart crashing In unison to the tides I would be home I would be safe

I feel a lump in my throat, A familiar sensation As I wallow in my emotions My ears still ringing From the words you uttered... It helped, you said.. You feel better, you say.. You cleaned up, you fixed things.. Yet the lump grew bigger. A feeling of helplessness Wishes I drift deep in slumber, never to see dawn And be lost in memory... Like the sound of waves Crashing against my rocky heart... A memory. I close my eyes, I smile... If only...